Has it happened to you that you give a lot in your relationship and the results are not as expected?

This blog is fascinating and I think that most of you will be quite struck by it, because it is a topic that we have all talked about at some point in our lives, it is about our relationships as a couple. 

Has it ever happened to you that you dedicate yourself to be all in a relationship, and when all ends, you get out without receiving anything of everything we expected?

In this blog, we will go into depth about the relationships that most people have gone through. We will also share about some cases and the importance of reciprocity in any relationship.

Who has not suffered by love? I think we have all been through this situation in our lives at least once. Sometimes the problem is that we love too much, and we overwhelm each other with so much love (which in reality is not love). Love, just as it can dazzle us and make us happy, becoming the engine of our lives, but it can also become suffocating. It can enslave and even destroy us if we do not understand the way we are loving; maybe, it is time to make adjustments.

When talking about love, we need to consider:

The princess in prince’s pursuit: It is very interesting that even though the years pass and we have lived several relationships, we continue to fall in love naively without being clear about what we want and without returning to the experiences and learnings of past relationships. We continue seeking to be saved by the prince, and when we are there, we forget that we can build our kingdom.

Love is a highly addictive drug; in fact, when we fall in love, the brain generates a cocktail of chemicals that include dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that lead us to experience an incredible sensation of ecstasy, anesthesia, and well-being, such as if we were superhuman as if we injected a highly addictive drug.

In the same sense, that idea about “love is blind” is totally true, it occurs because according to studies that say, while there are certain areas of the brain totally on fire due to the sensation of love, there are others, especially those related to negative emotions and critical judgment that are totally turned off.

That is why our ability to rationalize in the midst of these emotions is complicated and requires a little extra work. And this is where many people lose themselves in giving their all. 

There is nothing more intense than being in love. All this reaction of chemicals in our brain leads to the heart beating racing. As soon as we are sleepy, the constant need to be with the other person all the time arises within us. And as the song in Spanish says, “Day needs more than 24 hours…” because having someone to love and who loves us revolutionizes us, especially at the beginning of the relationship.

Sometimes, the other person can become our total center of attention, leaving everything else in the background. They become our world; It is as if we have a blindfold, and we cannot see anything else of what is going on around us except what is going on with that person. Everything else no longer matters to us, even work and responsibilities, especially at the beginning of the relationship.

Everything up to this point sounds wonderful, especially when it is shared. The problem begins when the balance starts to unbalance, and one of the two begins to love more than the other and, on many occasions, begins to overwhelm the other.

When this happens, the giver feels that they have to give everything and more in a daily effort to keep the other beside him/her. Cultural myths, especially in women, also play an important role there, as women believe that being with a partner means giving everything without limits and without receiving much in return. 

At this point in the relationship, whoever is giving more is subjugated to whoever is receiving. And whoever gives much puts the other on an altar as a god, and here the relationship is already in trouble because it is not between two unequal entities but between a god or goddess and a human.

This puts the other in an advantageous position insofar as he feels that he is deserving and takes everything he receives for granted and allows him/her to feel safe on where he/she is, while his partner lives in the space of insecurity and permanent fear about lose him/her.

I have known many cases of couples like this. I remember a girl who lived this painful situation and suffered a lot without being able to let go and leave this relationship.

She started a relationship when she was in college, where she met the one, she believed was the love of her life. Everything was just love. However, just a few months later, when they already knew each other, the problems began. He was no longer the same man she had fallen madly in love with. First, they lost respect; their conversations were permanent fights in which they yelled and spoke rudely. He made her feel that she was guilty, and as a consequence, she had to run asking him for forgiveness even without being to blame for what happened.

So, the relationship became a constant game of fight and reconciliation. 

Her emotional tie was so strong that she gave everything up, even after each abuse. She did everything he asked of her and more. She knew all about his matters, of each sigh, she always tried her best to make him happy but he always made her feel less, miserable, that she was worthless.

He was jealous of her all the time, and thus he was distancing her from friends and even family. He demands that she spends more and more time with him. He told her that he wanted it to be her world and didn’t need anyone else there. She was madly in love and didn’t realize how this would end up affecting her 100%.

Over the months, her “world” began to shrink, and to avoid her. They no longer did things together. He did not answer her calls or texts, until she realized that he was dating someone else, and they broke up.

She tried to be strong and forget him, but he knew how to manipulate her as he pleased, so, despite having another partner, he looked for her out and played with her head whenever he wanted.

She plunged into a deep depression from which it was quite difficult to get out, but she put all the effort to do it, and succeeded. 

In her last attempt, we created a plan that will take out all the pain and guilt she felt, and she opened the way, and finally, her heart calmed down. The blindfold was falling, and she was able to see beyond the reality that he made her believe, to realize how far he had taken her and everything she had allowed. Little by little, she was recovering her family and friends again.

This is the result of a relationship full of emotional attachment, in which, in this case she gave everything and was losing her place, and little by little she was depressed.

The importance of reciprocity

When this happens, our relationship has become asymmetrical. In other words, one of the two people in the relationship always makes an effort and sacrifices in favor of the other, enduring periods of stress, fatigue, and helplessness, which in the long run wear down and affect their self-esteem.

This can respond to the past patterns, which means the person grew up in an environment where such relationships were normal, and they do not know any other way to receive and give affection.

Many people have the idea that the relationship consists of total surrender and permanent sacrifice without limits for the other and that the more you give, the more you will receive. 

However, unfortunately, this is not the case; in fact, the famous psychologist Walter Riso concerning this issue affirms that “that the love of a couple does not expect anything in return, is an invention of the submissive: if you give, you want to receive it is normal, reciprocal.”

Therefore, if you are in a relationship of this style, I invite you to stop deceiving yourself, convincing yourself that your partner will change because that is not going to happen. 

I know that perhaps we are afraid of suffering and being left alone, so we conform to what we have. But in terms of love, conforming is a big mistake because nobody forces us to do anything and you deserve the best, maybe the person who is ready to love you as you are is waiting for you, but you have to learn not to love too much. I know that it is not easy to get out of a relationship like this, I have accompanied many people in its process, so Call me, let’s start your process and get ready to live a relationship in which you can be totally happy.

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